we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
