A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
