i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
