My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Randomize