so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
