I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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