My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
