how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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