Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
