The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
