Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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