On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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