This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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