Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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