I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
