I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
She said her name was "party"
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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