Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
