My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
