last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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