Best friends brother. Beat that.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
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