I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
