How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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