The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
