My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
