Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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