even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
