So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
