i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
