she looked like the bat from fern gully.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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