i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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