i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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