Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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