nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
