I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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