Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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