Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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