yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
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