i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
