I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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