do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
