I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
