I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
