I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
