So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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