we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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