Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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