I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
