I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
