I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize