I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize