with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
