I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
