I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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