she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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