you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
