yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
