This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
