If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
