I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
